My Life

sábado, mayo 24, 2003

I haven't felt like blogging. Not much really happens anyway...
I'm so frustrated with where I am, and I know it has been my choice up until now, but now I feel a bit trapped. I don't really feel like getting all depressed in here so I'll spare you the details.

I finally saw X2: X-Men United. I enjoyed it a lot. It had been a while since I'd been to the movies. I went with my brother, who had already seen it, and my dad, who was totally confused by it, even though he said he'd seen the first one. Hehe.. My daddy...

It feels good to have friends who know your worth. It feels good to know that they are aware of your loyalty to them and know they can count on you. Part of the reason I've eventually let go of some of my "friends", is that they care more about impressing other, not-so-nice people, instead of being loyal to those who are true. If they ever decide to come back, or realize that the people they're trying to impress aren't worth it, I'll be here, and I'll listen. I'm not bitter towards them, and I certainly don't hate them. I can understand how they feel. Some people can't bear to be alone, and will surround themselves with whoever's there, regardless of how good of a friend they are. I'm not like that. I only keep those who will appreciate me, though I'll be there for everyone, even those who haven't reciprocated. Still, I will only really consider my friend those who have proven to actually be one. Right now, I can say that I only have one best friend, and 2 or 3 good friends. I'm grateful for them. Each one of them have their own group of friends, and their own lives, and I'm usually not in it, physically, but they often call or write, and that's enough for me right now. To know they still keep me in mind, even though there's some physical distance between us, and that they will call me when they need me, and I'll be able to do the same. I don't expect anything back when I give, but it's nice to know they are at least willing.

Yesterday was a day of such proof, I guess. My best friend called me because, on her way to Las Vegas with her parents, their car broke down. I know that part of the reason she called me was because I live here, in San Diego, where the car broke down, and they are not familiar with the area. Still, I know she also called because she knew I'd help her, no matter what. And I did. And I felt good. It felt good because I've known her and her family for over 12 years now, if not more, but at least 12 years of us being best friends. And even though we had some differences in the past, she's the one I've always felt closest to, and it was nice to know that her parents consider me a good friend too. I stayed with them until I was sure their car had been towed to safety and they had another car to continue their trip in. It felt good to help. And I had a good time waiting with them, with her and her dad, until the mom came with the replacement car.

On a bit of a darker note, I'm feeling really anxious. I've realized some things about myself that I was in denial about, and now I'm a bit afraid that I may have ruined a particular opportunity to have it, or that it'll be a looooooong time until I get one again. When I was younger, I thought everyone liked me, how could they not. Then I got a bit insecure, around high school, and although I KNEW people liked me, I wasn't sure they really did like ME... Total paranoia. Now, I'm not insecure about myself. I think I'm a good person, and have a lot to offer, to a friend or a boyfriend, or anyone. My insecurity now stems from the feeling that either people can't see that, or that I'm not going to find someone I want to offer these things to. Now I don't feel like I'm not going to find someone who likes me, but rather, I'm not going to find someone I like... I'm really, really picky. There has to be a certain something there for me to feel like I want to date someone, something beyond him being cute and/or nice. I've met a lot of cute nice guys, lots of cute jerks, lots of ugly nice guys and lots of ugly jerks. And with all of them, what mattered, more than what they looked like or how they were, was how I felt when I was with them. If "the feeling" isn't there, no matter what, I'm going to be hesitant to try. I'm not completely closed off to it, but I'll be very hesitant. So now I'm feeling kind of... like I might have met someone I really like, but certain circumstances aren't going to allow for something to happen, something beyond a physical or "just-for-fun" type-thing. It's too early to tell whether I really do like him, or whether he isn't interested in more, but my gut is giving me a lot of anxiety. I'm a worrier, and when I can't get an answer right away, I become really anxious and start looking at all possible things that could happen and make myself go nuts. I'm trying to not think about it, and just let things flow, and wait until I have a chance to talk to him and get some answers. I'm really trying. It's a bit hard since I have absolutely nothing to distract myself with, but I'm trying...
Noticed how I ended up telling you anyway? sigh...


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