My Life

lunes, marzo 10, 2003

BEWARE: Long Post. Hehe.
What a long day... I didn't sleep much, and had a hard time getting up. I decided to make some changes in my paper, and it took longer than I expected. And I still think that it's sort of incomplete... We can resubmit until the final week of class though, so when I get it back and the professor has made some comments, I can expand on them... I hate writing papers!!! Most of my school work is more or less mediocre, not the best job I could've done, because in my impossible search for perfection, at one point I give up and just hand in whatever. Nothing I do is ever gonna be good enough for me.
I read today in the school paper that daughters of perfectionist mothers have a higher rate of suicidal tendencies. I can attest to that. My mom was never satisfied with what I did, and I think that in turn made me unsatisfied with my work too. She always bragged about always getting 100% in all her classes, and would show me her report cards, so when I came home with 90% grades, she would totally make me feel like an idiot. How bad is that? But now, I ask myself.... She had great grades, sure, but does that mean she has a better job and thus earns more money than people who didn't get her grades? I mean, in my opinion, she could be doing a lot better. She's good at her job, possibly the best in her field, but she's not getting compensated for it properly. She didn't even finish college... So what does that tell me? Getting good grades in grade school and Jr. high means nothing if you don't apply your knowledge to higher education. I'd rather have had 85% and above, and finish college and get a good job, than to have gotten 100% in grade and middle school and done nothing with my life. What a waste.
Another day gone by... when am I getting what I "deserve"? Do I deserve to be happy? I think I do. Some people say that happiness comes, others that you have to seek it. Well, I've done both, and I'm back to where I started.
Enough crap. I read the poem (previous post) every day, and I really feel like I was meant to read it. I just wish it was easier to let go of the past and not worry about the future, while enjoying the present. I don't think I'll ever fully achieve that. Ick, going to philosophy class makes me philosophical. HA!


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